jokes

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. 
Maria: This is it. 
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? 
Class: Maria did.

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?"

A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark." 

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter? 
A: An envelope.

The First 3 Years of Marriage

• In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
• In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
• In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Q: What four letters frighten a thief? 
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it? 
Student: Obviously it is the past tense

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? 
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!

The Perfect Son. 
A: I have the perfect son. 
B: Does he smoke? 
A: No, he doesn't. 
B: Does he drink whiskey? 
A: No, he doesn't. 
B: Does he ever come home late? 
A: No, he doesn't. 
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? 
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.

Doctor: Next please! 

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? 
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. 
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. 
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. 
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi. 

Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing? 
Johnny: Nothing, sir. 
Headmaster: Exactly. 

A: Why are you crying? 
B: The elephant is dead. 
A: Was he your pet? 
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? 
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? 
Little Johnny: But I asked first! 

"I was born in California." 
"Which part?" 
"All of me."

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present. 
The student: I walk. You walk .... 
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please. 
The student: I run. You run ... 

A: Why are all those people running? 
B: They are running a race to get a cup. 
A: Who will get the cup? 
B: The person who wins. 
A: Then why are all the others running? 

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire. 
Doctor: Drink this glass of water. 
Patient: Will it make me better? 
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks. 

One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer. 
They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.
The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."
The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."
So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.
An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him. 
They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes. 

[This one works best when spoken aloud.] 
Once upon a time a mother skunk had two children named "In" and "Out". They were very active children and whenever In was in, Out was out. When Out was in, In was out. 
One day when Out was in and In was out, the mother skunk said "Out, go out and find In and tell In to come in." Out went out to find In to bring In back in. Within a minute, Out came back in from going out and Out brought In right back in. 
Amazed, the mother skunk said, "Out, you just went out to find In and brought In right back in! How did you do it?" 
To this, Out replied "Instinct!" [In stinked]

Q: Why did the man throw a bucket of water out the window? 
A: He wanted to see the waterfall.

Q: Why did the man throw the butter out the window? 
A: He wanted to see the butterfly.